Talking to Myself

For some people, internal dialogue is an effective way of working through problems.  For me it does quite the opposite, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships, the future, and the unknown.  

I've always been pretty good at staying in the present, but it seems sometimes, the more I invest myself emotionally, the more I want to know what the future holds.  I want to have a plan.  I want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And most importantly, I want to know the thoughts of the other person that I should be having this conversation with, instead of myself.

Instead, I chase myself around inside my head - speculating, wondering, worrying.  One thought leads to another and another.  Before I know it, I've essentially kicked my own ass through internal debate, in the worst way possible.

"What's the point anyway?" I keep asking myself.  Why bother getting into these downward spiralling discussions with myself when there's no way for me to predict the future or read minds.  All I accomplish is getting myself sufficiently worked up so that I feel like a hot pile of rotting garbage - or actually a sad, hot pile of rotting garbage.  It's not productive.  I don't end up with any more answers or insights than when I started.  I usually end up shedding a few tears.  And I almost always end up exhausted and migraine-ridden.  

So what's the solution when the only person you want to talk to has an addiction to internalizing everything?  How can I put my bleeding heart on the table, when that table sometimes feels like cold stainless steel?  And why bother if the only feedback I've historically gotten had been vague and almost diplomatic in delivery?

It's odd to feel guilty about wanting to talk to someone about how you feel, but that's where I am.  I don't want to freak him out, or worry him, or put him out of his comfort zone.  But where I do draw the line between what's best for him, what's best for us, and what's best for me?

Maybe it's just the 9 hour bus ride with no heat, followed by a night of too-little sleep, interrupted by house guests, followed by 8 hours of work talking... or maybe I'm onto something.  I guess I'll debate with myself a little bit more and get back to you on that.